Diaries of a new runner. What you need to know and how I feel every day.

I feel like I should be creeping through the back door here, treading and whispering as not to wake anyone – or my blog. I’ve been preoccupied. I have so many posts and thoughts written down on scraps of paper and little memos in my phone somewhere. Notes I’ve written to myself in encouragement, in weakness, in pain. The past two weeks have been messy with a few setbacks. Milestones I missed, goals I abandoned and difficult decisions I had to make. I try (really hard) to act all tough and fearless (is it working?) but sometimes things just floor me.

And oh… I’ve felt let down. By myself, my body, my training. I’ve typed so many draft emails to the marathon organizers to say I’m sorry – I can’t do this… or I need to go to the dentist that week (I probably do) or something. In some of my darkest moments I have hoped that I get really super sick that week -  just to get out of this. Blame it on something else. Anything else. Just not me. Then I get out there and run my little bunny heart out until it starts making sense again. Sort of.

I’m not scared of the half marathon. I’m not scared of the pain, the blisters, the cramps. Bring ALL of it. I will beat and push my body through every milestone there is because I can. I know that my body is strong and that my head is even stronger. I know that I can do this, even if it takes me seven hours and I crawl with bleeding knees over that finish line: I WILL. But I’m scared. Guys I am so, so scared. I feel like a tiny fish in the biggest, widest ocean and everyone knows exactly where they’re going and what they’re doing.

Whenever a big race or marathon happens, I hop on to all the social channels to see what people are doing or saying as my heart beats like a thousand drums in fear, anticipation and excitement. Then dread. Then fear again. I’ve seen people say condescending things about runners who don’t finish on time. I’ve seen some athletes belittle others. I’ve seen the marathon runners throw snide remarks at the HALF marathon runners. I’ve been told “It’s only a 21km, it’s not the same as a marathon.” But it’s a marathon to me. It’s double the distance that I’ve ever run before. It’s my biggest and most challenging goal to date. I have never worked so hard at something before, I have never tried this hard or felt this incredibly daunted in all my life. It’s TWENTY-ONE KILOMETERS. It may as well be 200km. Or on some days, 2km.

So I struggle with all of this. My body wants to do it, my head wants to do it. Behind all of this, I am in near tears. You know that face you pull just before you have a SERIOUS cry, and your lip quivers and your eyes get glossy? It’s like my heart is stuck there, all the time. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me if I don’t finish. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be laughed at. Even in writing this I worry that people think I am weak. That I won’t make it.

It’s scary. It’s easy for me to post these awesome pictures of my 5km run this day and my 10km that day but you don’t see me on the road. The first time I got to 6.7km I had cried about 4 times on the road. Graeme ran beside me on the promenade, trying to encourage me. Every time I had to stop to catch my breath I cried hot tears and wiped snot all over my fancy new running kit. So much for that. The nicer Graeme was to me, the more irritated I felt. Because he is fitter, he is awesome, he gets up at 5:30am almost every day to do fitness and boxing and his body and health is just amazing. Next to him I felt awful. (I did run farther than him a few weeks ago but we won’t speak of that) ( I BEAT YOU GRAEME!!!)

I wanted to say… I’m sorry if I make any of this look easy. It’s not. Man alive I love it and I’ve never ever felt this good about myself or my body. Every run is like an achievement for me. I see myself in a different way – with more respect. I do things I don’t want to do because I know that they’re good for me. That might sound childish to you. While I WANT to run, I don’t necessarily want to get out of bed at 6am in winter. I do it because it’s good for me and because I’ve started caring about my body. I do it because it makes me feel in charge and in control of my health. I do it because I’ve set a goal for myself and even if I cry all the way or laugh in the rain… Even if it’s hard, even if it’s easy. Even if anything, ever. I’m doing this.

A lot of people make it look easy. Maybe it is and always has been for them, but it’s not easy for me. Running 5km isn’t even easy for me yet. So if it’s hard for you, that’s normal too! It might get easier straight away or it might take weeks or months for you to enjoy it but you will. One day you’ll notice that you haven’t stopped in a few kms. You’ll start laughing for no reason on the road, you’ll feel so beautiful and happy and strong. You’ll feel your body tighten. Your clothes loosen. You’ll notice muscles that you didn’t know existed. You’ll have good days and bad days, setbacks and achievements.

I guess I’m just trying to say: It’s not easy. It’s not always fun but it’s always, always worth it. It doesn’t matter if you ran 1km or 10km or 56km. You pushed your body a little bit further than you usually would. You did something that maybe scared you. You did something that made you try, made you reason and argue with yourself. I don’t have it all figured out, at all. As a beginner I’m still struggling a little bit every day and going through my own little journey – failures and accomplishments to match.

You can read my weekly progress over at Women’s Health over here. Click here for week 1 and week 2&3 and week 4 coming soon! I’ve just signed up with Pick n Pay dietician Leanne Tee. Pick n Pay has provided my new meal plan to optimize my fitness while still losing weight. I’m going to share it with you shortly! You can also go to Pick n Pay’s Oyster Festival page here for training tips and healthy meal ideas! Thanks so much to Russell Hobbs for supplying me with my 1.5 Glass Jug Blender and 3-Tier Steamer to aid my healthy cooking efforts. Of course TomTom who have been incredible in their support and motivation as well as providing the GPS Sports Watch for me to train with. Coach Woolrich for his ongoing advice and training plan. And the beautiful Theresa at Oyster Festival / Fine Places whose idea this was in the first place! Girl you’ve pushed me in all the right directions and I love you.

It’s been a helluva *ride so far, and I’m still scared. I don’t know if that ever goes away. If you have any advice for me, or guidance… I really would appreciate it. Anything from how to avoid blisters or how much water to drink or what to eat before a run… or even little tricks for taking your mind off your legs on the road. Great exercises to strengthen my legs or how to carry water on my longer runs where there are no taps. Sometimes I get cramps and some days are so much easier than others. Am I supposed to walk the hills or jog them? Have any of you done the Momentum Cape Times Knysna Forest 21km? Am I going to be okay?

**I am completely aware that I’ve journeyed through at least 7 emotions and dispositions in this post. From insecurity, confidence, fear, anxiety, eagerness, sadness and determination. THIS IS HOW I FEEL EVERY DAY.**